Your Mileage May Vary: Mike Mansplains, Low Effort Men, Conventional Attractiveness, Fingering

Episode Transcript

Transcript automatically generated by a robot. Apologies for any inaccuracies.

[00:00] Mike: I know somebody who worked at a company that build a website that specialized in enabling telephony telephony based experiences so people would pay to. Talk to other people. The original idea for the website this was many years ago was maybe somebody had some advice to give about how to make maple syrup or something like some pedestrian thing it turned out. No one wanted to do that and of course telephones are passe now. Anyway. But back then there were None niches that became successful. The none niche became a site that's actually still used by camgirls called night flirt and iteflirtdotcom that was phone sex for men. And the none niche was psychics and sort of personal advice but not from real professionals just you could call in and and the psychic piece was the most popular and the vast majority of the colors to those were women. Ultimately for various reasons the company split up into pieces and the more porn centered one became a different company but I always thought it was striking that the porn side appealed to the men and the psychic side appealed to the women. I thought that gave some insight into the difference in what men and women want. It's not that men aren't interested in being told their future fortune tellers. It's not that women aren't interested in sex. It's just that like when it comes right down to it women want a companion that will tell them stuff. They want to hear and that's what psychics do. And men want to fuck welcome to your mileage may vary. This is Mike I'm doing a solo episode again Keith remains in Europe ah jaunting around I think he's maybe on the eastern side of Europe now and so. I'm taking the reins myself again and we're going to go through topics relating to women today I'm going to mansplain and I just did just a little bit of mansplaining for you at the beginning here telling you what women want women want a relationship and men want sex. And it's the meeting point of those two where we have the interesting experiences of course two weeks ago we had on somebody we had on Eric and then somebody I called Jane who's the exact opposite kind of woman. Well I think she wants a relationship too but she has an extremely high sex drive. So.
[02:47] Mike: There are exceptions. It's not to say that every woman is identical just like every man isn't but in order to have an interesting conversation. You have to use some kind of stereotype. This is something that makes people uncomfortable nowadays having stereotypes there is this critique in our culture. That's very popular now that says that. Each person should be taken as a completely independent observer that you can't understand a story without understanding the person who wrote the story. That's why if you were ever curious. That's why there's this thing where people say as a white man whose parents immigrated from. Poland or whatever people say they preface what they say by that the reason why is because there's this idea that your story and who you are inseparable and actually like your story can't be understood without understanding who you are um the problem with that of course is that if you. Always say that back when somebody tries to generalize about people then you can't learn anything about people in general. Um, if somebody if every time somebody says to you well women have a tendency to do this men have a tendency to do that and you say well I know this one woman who isn't like that like Jane ah then is impossible to have any. Like real conversation because you always get stuck on this thing of like having to deal with sort of a fractal like an infinite number of possible behaviors or personality types and so I reject that view. Ah, and I think I think you should too the way to look at the world is that while people are individuals. There are patterns and the patterns are where the interesting conversations are and that's the thing you want to understand the thing I would say about this general topic of man splating and women around sex is it's useful to look at sort of the edges of the experience. So it was interesting to talk to Jane or. You heard from her a little bit and if you didn't you can go back and listen ah but it's also interesting to consider the more unusual areas of the sex sphere prostitutes porn things where women are doing things that not. Women don't do every day. It's not that interesting to talk about like just a typical woman who has married and has kids and has a very boring vanilla sex life like that's not going to tell it be very illuminating in much the same way if you're talking about men. It's probably more interesting to talk about sort of the boundaries of their behavior just the guy that. Jerks off to porn. Although we do I would admit talk about guys trucking off to porn more than our fair share. But ah yeah, it's it's it's more useful to like sort of look at the edges of the male experience like how far will a man go to satisfy his pruian desires.
[05:31] Mike: So we're to go through some questions today relating to these to these different topics as always a few have thoughts or want to respond you can email at Whym The Pod at http://gmail.com you can check us out on Twitter although we just basically post our shows at Y Mmv Pod um we're also on Facebook we all also pretty much post the shows there. Um, and you're welcome to email in questions or or comments. We do get a fair amount of feedback from our listeners and that's great. Um, so i. Ah, to prepare for this show I went and listened to a bunch of interviews with I listened interviews like this all the time anyway. So it's not really that much work for me because I am a strange person who checks this stuff out but with some prostitutes and um. Pon stars as well as an interview with an infomaniac um I was looking for clips I found one clip that I'm going to play in a little bit from a a woman who got involved in porn I would say that largely my experience from listening to these interviews confirmed. My basic thesis which is for example, the nmphomaniac person and and I'll include a a link to the clip that I'm going to play as well as you can then go to that channel on Youtube and see a number of other interviews but the. Basically confirm my thesis which is that the ah the rationale for a woman to get into something like being an infomaniac porn. Ah and the like prostitution stripping and so forth is typically like something something's gone wrong. It's not really what she wanted to do in her life. That's not to say that there aren't women again I'm talking in standard stereotypes and it gets kind of boring if I have to defend myself every time by saying that their individuals weren't like that. But it's to say that like that's not um, the major focus and in fact, you hear a lot of quotes from them saying things like why do men want this like. What's wrong with men men are much nastier than you would think I remember 1 of the prostitutes saying like essentially her view that like all married men are going to prostitutes and cheating I don't think that's true but I can understand where she gets that she undoubtedly has had sex or given blows or whatever to a large number of married men. And she can see firsthand that the men don't really feel bad necessarily about their What do what they're doing in any sort of overt way and so you can understand how that would be a concern or like a reality that she would experience and she doesn't you know the other thing being you know why? why? Yeah Why is this great for men. The nympfomaniac. For example, she said.
[08:17] Mike: Ah, that she could see that her behavior didn't really make her happy when I say infomaniac I should be more precise she ah and she called herself an infomaniac I'm not It's not an ad hominem attack. She said that you know she has sex with many many different guys like she goes on fet life finds. Lots of guys. Ah, different guys have sex with them all the time she keeps them completely separate from her personal life. You know her normal personal life. She they don't they don't meet again typically and she just does this and sort of moves on and it's just a thing she does and she realizes it's some kind of addiction better than maybe a drug addiction or something like that. But that it's a result of her being unhappy in certain ways in her life. It's not what she she knows. It's not like really what she wants and that makes sense to me because there's not that much of a challenge there for a man to have sex like I think she said she has sex typically with None to 10 different men a week for a man to do that without paying would be incredibly difficult. Um, unless you were in some sort of really crazy oregy scene and even then to to change women constantly be very difficult for a woman. It's not difficult and so even right there you know it's it's like the difference between a mouse and a maze having to find a cheese that's very difficult to find that would be the man for the woman. It's like. They just put the mouse in the box and there's always a cheese right there and eventually like well the mouse will eat the cheese because it's hungry but you get the idea that ah it's not as interesting for the none mouse like it's's it's probably knows that this is not really what its brain is designed to do um you know the the the prostitutes like there's a common theme that there's a common theme of drugs and kind of general mistreatment. But it's similar in that like they while it's an easy path to make a lot of money. Um, it's not really something that they I mean it's not surprising to a man. Actually I think men None interesting thing I would take away from listening to prostitutes and i. But suggests people listen, it's kind of interesting is ah that I think actually for a man from a man's perspective like what they do is kind of grosser than maybe from the woman's perspective and I think that just comes from like men are very sensitive or at least I'm very sensitive to the physicality of what happens there. So like the notion of just going out and. Having sex with a bunch of men is really hard for me. In fact, like the thing that would a thing. A main thing that would dissuade me from going to a prostitute is just simply the fact that she's done that with some so many other men and so I don't want to sort of interact with that generally I don't want to interact with men's sex lives because I know that men are kind of gross. Um. But that's not as bad for her maybe because she maybe because she doesn't value it as much or maybe because she already has this exposure to men. But that being said like the prostitutes typically said like you know they were sort of nonplussed by like all the foot fetishes. There was a guy who wanted to um have the prostitutes. Let's see.
[11:09] Mike: Something involving cigarette smoke like he would blow cigarette smoke into her mouth or maybe she'd blow it into his mouth and he hail while he was beating off that was just an example of kind of a strange behavior and you know like that there are many many kind of bizarre behaviors. These guys would even and honestly I would even consider the behavior of like. Wanting to have sex with someone that very plainly doesn't want to have sex with you to be in a strange behavior like me yet sort of fetishy but like it actually makes me wonder if many men don't have the empathy to even realize the women don't want to have sex with them that seems possible in any event. Ah. The yeah, the the ah the prostitutes ah are in this sort of category where it's like they're yeah they're just they're just going through the motions they want to make the money and in some ways I actually think being a prostitute for a man would be harder because men index higher on sex. So it matters more to us and so the idea of. You know having sex with a whole bunch of people for money might bother us more Maybe there's some analogy there like it would bother a guy to have relationships with a whole bunch of people for money. Although I guess that's what work is so so I guess guys overcome that. But um, anyway and then. Porn star one which I'm going to play a clip from in a moment. Um, well there were a few of these um similar story. Um, one to you know, actually surprising I think None or 3 of them I spend a fair amount of time listening to these as I do mentioned it being boring. What do you think is kind of funny like. Ah I I so I so I always suspect that like the it would bother guys like if there was a little meter over the bed or something and you could see the boredom level of your partner. It would bother guys to see how often that kind of goes up for a woman to be fair I can go up for a man too. You know, giving oral to a woman for example could be boring or just I don't know there. There are various aspects that could be boring if you're with the same partner for a long time for example, but for a woman I think it's more likely for it to be boring because there are aspects where the guy's just kind of getting himself off. He's using her. Body to get himself there and particularly in porn I mean one of the actresses mentioned that ah it could take 12 hours to do a scene. She said the sex part was about an hour of the 12 hours so that was interesting. So there's a lot of like the shots. It's funny because that implies 11 of the 12 hours there was like an hour spent on makeup. So 10 maybe of the hours are spent on something that's not makeup and not the actual sex which is funny because in my world like the thing all the guys watch is just the sex part and so the rest of it is kind of wasted effort.
[13:53] Mike: Makes me wonder why they do it which by the way I'll get to the clip in a second but by the way I told Keith that I um still watch ah porn using the vr headset and I think I found a a genre of porn. That is sort of ideal for me for the vr headset and it's called voyur. It's vr voyur porn is that right? The word voyeur has to be and they're basically the important part of it is that and this is kind of funny that this is what I like but most of the vr stuff is filmed from the standpoint of the guy who's receiving the action right um. So you're basically a camera attached to the guy's head and then you're looking at your own body but I actually don't like that as much as just a traditional scene filmed not p o v ah and then just with a 3 d aspect. So. It's much more like realistic I find for some reason I can get into the. Scene more than that and I guess one other thing I'll say before I get to this clip is it's kind of interesting to me like you might ask like well does like watching interviews with women who produce porn and it's very obvious that they don't want to be having sex in these videos. When they make the porn. They're not interested in it. They fight it boring et cetera et cetera does that decrease my interest in or willingness to consume porn and the answer is definitely no, um, it doesn't make any difference to me which maybe is that lack of empathy I mentioned before of going to a prostitute I just haven't only. On the videographic level I think if I were within actual prostitute. It would I would want to help her something I would I would have some sort of sad reaction. That's not useful, but it wouldn't be I wouldn't be a good trick as they might say but for porn. Yeah I don't know it's just ah, it's too much of a guilty pleasure like I just have to. Cancel that out of my brain and I do prefer amateur Porna assiduous listeners know but I would like not let it kind of poison the whole experience for me. Okay, so this clip I'm going to play her name is Chrissy. And I will post a link to the full interview that this gentleman did with her I think this is fair use of that video because I'm going to just play a clip and comment on it. Talk about it for a minute. Ah, she's talking about her none experience I believe in ah shooting a porn scene. So here that goes.
[16:36] Mike: Um, so it's money.
[16:43] Mike: Oh.
[17:07] Mike: Ah.
[17:54] Mike: So there's a um, there's a thing that american propaganda ah back during the cold war used to do which was they would now maybe it was japanese propaganda in world war two. Anyway, you can look this up but basically the idea was. To start off have a person start off on the radio like saying None point of view and then gradually be convinced by the other point of view and the idea was like people would be like oh yeah I hate america or whatever I hate cuba and then the person would gradually like start telling them. How Cuba is pretty cool and then by the end after like six months they would you know have. Converted some people by like changing the mind and don't worry I'm not trying to convert you to thinking porn is bad. That's not what's going on here. But it's an interesting point of view I thought it was an interesting clip to I think that's really common. Basically I mean there was a sort of well-known series girls. Girls do porn I think which is basically college girls who maybe didn't completely understand what was going on and I think pretty clearly and I think this is common in the industry. Um, and in spite of their best efforts like basically you have women who are sort of compliant agreeable. Just typical and it's ah women are more likely to be sort of agreeable than men. They're just not sure what they want to do and and then it's like oh man like none of all, they sort of dissociate they check out and then now you have this video of yourself having sex. It's on the internet and like sure for Kim Kardashian that worked out great I guess if if you can call that working out great. Um, but ah for many women it doesn't work out as well because that yeah, it's basically just now you've done porn. It's kind of a drag. Um and also like yeah I mean it very much the way sort of I model this mentally. And think it's really It's really hard I think it's actually really really difficult for men to see how sex seems to women and vice versa that um I mean I try but I think it's actually like quite difficult which is yeah I mean it's really really super ultra important to men and that's difficult for women to see. It's like why would this be so important like sure orgasms feel good. But like why? Why are you like orienting your entire life around just like doing this certain activity with your cock like why is that and really and you know why are you risking? Whatever prison losing money doing all these things like just around this one activity and then vice versa like men are just like why don't why aren't women more pleasure seeking. Of course an interesting side. Note here is that like drugs and sort of other kind of pleasure seeking like that I mean the nyhomaniac video that I watches specifically pleasure seeking around sex but like um, a lot of the women who are doing this sort of sex work and so forth have other sort of pleasure seeking things and it makes me wonder if.
[20:37] Mike: The more typical woman just doesn't have the same sort of base base pleasure seeking instinct that men have whereas men sort of want to jump into that so I'm going to answer you know I'm going to go through some questions. There are a couple of we get questions ourselves and there's a couple of ah forums online that are for women. And I thought you know what better time to mansplain than when I'm doing this without Keith because I just really like mansplaining I went to one of them which is called two x chromosomes now I haven't been banned from this one yet I have been banned from camgirl problems. Simply because I'm not a cam girll. They didn't want my comment I ah believe I got banned for um, what was it. It was something about semen. No no I know what it was it was that somebody was using a dildo on cam that like has a thing that ejects what looks like semen and I was like I basically just wanted to know like if a woman it was for the show. Like this is from my job I wanted to know if women really want a dildo that squirts something out and I just got banned summarily because I made it obvious I wasn't a woman so fair fair play but I went to two x chromosomes which is a sort of legendarily I guess feminist is the right word. So we're read it. Um, it's pretty hard to find interesting. Well interesting questions that are not about Roe versus wade there right now. Um, there are a ton of those and these people are really upset about it. Um I'm not going to talk in depth about Roe versus wade I am. Ah, pro-choice gentleman. However I also think the decision that was made was right because I think it's better for it to be decision decided by ah by this this issue to be decided by people voting on the matter than a unelected judiciary and I think it's too bad that people are sort of. Not able to debate it like in european countries where a consensus was arrived at in all of those countries people may not know this but Ireland actually had abortion banned until I want to say 2016 you can look that up. Um, very catholic country. But this is something that can be solved through just actually elected representatives and so I look forward to hopefully our country resolving that and I I do think it'll be a pro-choice result which is what I favor when that happens but I I do prefer voting to judiciaries deciding things like this that being said, ah people also. Really really hate this commentary from the Fox News crowd where there's this question they keep raising what is a woman that comes up again and again and of course they ah on one side of the divide people define it circularly where.
[23:24] Mike: Somebody says what is a woman and the answer is a woman is a person who identifies as a woman and then the response is what is that meaning what do they identify as so it's like this definitional issue. It's like you know you're saying you identify as something but you're using that to define the thing you identify as you can see sort of the circular logic there. And then on the other side of the divide. They say what is a woman and the answer is. It's a human female meaning a person born with Xx chromosomes or female genitals. Um, neither of these people actually is able to answer the question correctly. So I'll just tell you the answer. Um because it irritates me the answer is. The answer that they want to give that like should be given is for 99% of people. A woman is a human female and for those who do not identify um in a traditional way. It's a person who identifies as being a human female So it like identifies with the group of human females. So if you took everyone and split them. Into two groups. The vast Majority. You just take the people with the vaginas and put them on the right people with penises and put them on the left and then there'd be a small number that would switch and so it's easy to tell the women or the people that identify with the group that vastly you know that 99% of them have vaginas and that's the answer that should be given to that question if you want to be sort of trans-friendly and stuff like that. And I don't actually understand totally why that doesn't work so that's another one that's going on but I'm going to answer some more interesting questions. Um, that come from there and some some other sources. So Let's get into it. The None one starts anyone else noticed this so in any relationship subreddit when a person when a woman posts about how her partner wants anal. And she doesn't oh the post is always asking. How can I get him to stop asking understand why I don't want it. Why is there? Always someone in the comments explaining how to prep for anal sex and encouraging her to try it pisses me off so much. She's coming here to ask how to get her partner to stop asking. And then they try to push her into trying it. Why can't men just take no for an answer when it comes to anal now nobody in the comments nobody in the comments is going to tell her what I think probably would actually be effective. Although. Maybe embarrassing and difficult which is simply to poop in the toilet not on the ground but in front of the guy a few times so that he like starts associating your anus with feces. Um I can say that that worked for me So Basically like I found anal sex really compelling. And interesting and something that was intriguing in a younger incarnation when I didn't have much access to the female body in like sort of all its aspects but when my access became more complete my interest waned and that absolutely definitely was because I did not like.
[26:12] Mike: It's it's just not as exciting when like you fully identify that like this smelly thing comes from that body part and so you aren't as interested in it now I can understand that and I'm sure this is a young woman asking the question. Um, you know she's not going to want to do that? um. 1 person I mean a lot of people responding this are saying break up with him that's like the standard response I should mention that yeah for the for the sort of female oriented subreddits. That's often the answer which which fair enough I mean I'm not sure the the thing that's ironic about that is that like. And like maybe you should break up with a guy that's like consistently demanding anal sex like I don't know I mean keep in mind that like he's probably demanding it when he's super horny. Not like you're not just sitting watching Tv or something at three P M while 3 pm you wouldn't be but it's say at six zero Pm or having dinner and he's like hey what about that butthole he's probably not doing that. Probably when he's super horny and so None thing to realize for a woman is like his mentality is pretty different when he's super horny and so probably a topic that's best addressed when he's not super horny. Um I mean to be fair like culture has moved on a little bit here and so you know we've. Discussed lately on the show. The fact that like really analingus is the new anal sex. So you know, maybe it's at the point now when you like really have to have anal sex. Um, here's a nice answer that I see anal is awful and I won't do it I've tried it but was never pressured just thought it was something to try I can't believe people tell women. Quote unquote how to prepare for 15 minutes of pure torture to please quote unquote her man fuck that it's funny because I read and so I read out of what is wrong with me I read like ah another study about this stuff was a study about reasons women trinal sex. There was a huge correlation. It was like. 70% of the time anal sex is correlated with doing drugs or alcohol. So basically it's I think there was some quote it's like get drunk have anal um, and this was from a study like it was a quote from one of the participants or what you know, survey respondents. Um. So yeah I mean that's that's definitely an occupational hazard there. Um, but in in the study. Ah essentially all of the women. It was like ninety plus percent said it was painful when they did it. That's interesting to me because. If you read online and more sex positive things. There's this really strong emphasis placed on. Oh it doesn't have to be painful. You can lubricate a lie you can sort of manage it and it makes me wonder if a there might be like a survivorship bias of.
[28:51] Mike: Women for whom aal sex is okay and then they start telling people. Well here's what I did here's what I did but in fact, like it's just you just are better at relaxing your anus or maybe have a bigger anus I'm not sure um or be ah like they the the. Incredible majority of relationships like are not well enough constructed for people to discuss things like lubrication and using dilators or whatever you need to do I have to say that when I had anal sex like we didn't do anything complicated like that and I think it was a little painful for my partner. Um. But she also yeah, don't I well it's hard I mean when you're young like yeah, that's the thing there's a lack of communications I can't really say whether it was something that she really wanted or not or enjoyed um it' say yeah, it's impossible. It would be impossible to say there'd be no way of knowing. Um, but yeah I mean so but but the bottom line is like. It does seem like maybe giving this advice of ho hey it doesn't have to hurt you can use diliators and stuff that may not be that helpful a device because maybe 95% of relationships just aren't that mature the like you know the guy is going to say hey I want to have anal sex in a week and the woman's going to say okay, let me start wearing my butt plug. They may not. Kind of be at that level and so giving people. The advice is just it's just going to be fallen deaf ears I'm not sure if the answer is to break up immediately. Um, and I do think men can take no for an answer. Ah the vast majority of men take no for an answer a lot where sex is concerned. Um. Yeah, and the fact that people online assume that you want to have it and are asking for advice on how to have it as opposed to how to I mean yeah, you know how do I get my partner to do Xyz like the answers always talk to them right? There's not like it's hard to get other people to do things like that's why that's why the economy exists's like if you want to get somebody to mow your lawn. You have to pay them. So I guess you could pay them but I mean it's getting people to do things without compensating them is always hard in life. So asking somebody how to get something somebody to do something I guess you know you could offer more blowjops that would be a compensation but it's a little tricky. Let's move on. It's crazy how like none of men talk about. Quote unquote not all men and how men are discriminated against and all painted as pigs and then the other half are like you don't even know the half of it behind closed doors men are 1000% worse than you could ever imagine. Let me read the text here. So guys will tell me. You don't want to know my friends. They're literally all porn addicted perverts. You just put on a front when they're around women and if women knew how men really are they would never talk to them again and then they say that they need guys at only nights because they're so tired of having to put on a facade around women and having to not be themselves.
[31:41] Mike: But then there are other men to say hey you can't just assume all men are going to be creeps. It's sexist across the street at night when you see a man just because ah you just assume he's going to hurt you. There's just these wildly different perspectives. It's really crazy how you hear men talk about their impression of other men thoughts of which perspective is more accurate. Well. Ah there's an edit you know what? what made me think of that this earlier today was my brother who's a president of his fraternity. He told me that he has friends who have girlfriends who they hate but they that they say they have to hang out with because otherwise people will think they're weird or rapy since they don't want to have they don't have any female friends. Okay. And then somebody mentions the ah the Trump the Donald Trump video where he said grab grab him by the pussy and then call that locker room talk and then somebody white knighted and said well my what is it um boyfriend or dad or something said oh I've never heard that in a locker. My husband my husband never never said I've never heard that in locker room. Well okay. Here me give you the lowdown like this absolutely does get set in locker room. So somebody's saying they've never heard it in the locker room or like among men is that's yeah I mean there are men who would never talk this way sure like maybe very religious men. Um, yeah, maybe people who are extremely like. Upright upstanding like yes, there are always going to be again exceptions but in general men do talk this way like that's ah, pretty normal. Um I didn't find what Donald Trump said shocking he was bragging about um, having access to a celebrity I think and her kind of. Being flattered by his celebrity I mean look people like famous people. That's the way it goes. Um, that's why I'm doing a podcast frankly like I mean why do a podcast like look the best way to get famous of course is to a podcast. Um, that's not true, but the ah so the. The truth is somewhere in the middle on this It's either both true ah men are all porndicted perverts I don't remember the stats I don't have them offhand on what percentage of men use porn. But it's a really high number really really, really, really truly high number and it's something you can look up I mean these are things that can be surveyed you know pornhub is one of the top websites on the web. Ah, of the top like 50 domain names accessed on the web a substantial percentage of them I don't have it in front of me, but it's surprising you know a lot of them are porn and this is just generally true and and the thing that people say about the vcr the the I mean some of the first films ever recorded were porn. You can actually find them. Online some of them. Ah and the development of the internet look I mean the the fact that this became possible on the internet was certainly um in relation to ah pon. And yeah I mean it's just not It's just sort of.
[34:33] Mike: Not worth questioning. Whether men are sort of por addictive pers. They definitely are and that's why the person's saying that at the same time It's it's possible to have that and then and then at the same time have guys say well you know it's it's not totally like that. It's more complicated like guys are capable of like committed relationships. Both of these can be true at the same time. Um, but the behind closed doors thing is 100% true ah, and I guess this goes back to my earlier sort of diatribe about I get this entire podcast of diatribe on some level but the main entire my earlier diatribe about the about women porn prostitution. And so forth is that I think women really do have a different conception. It's difficult a little difficult for women to understand how men are in this regard just as it's difficult for men to understand the lack the level of lack of interest. The typical woman has in sex like it's not yeah, it's just a low interest. It's not that important. It's not one of her top like. Things in her life that she's looking for with a partner generally whereas for a man. It really is um and so ah, yeah, and so so men do have all these behaviors and do sort of get into it and it's difficult for women to see and maybe it would be useful for a woman to. Observe men behave like this but I don't I don't think it would be I think it would be a little bit equivalent to a man going a straight man going to a gay um bathhouse I don't think I think it would just be frightening kind of disgusting and would break some illusions that I think are important. Some cultural illusions are useful I mean that's you know you could say that that's one of the functions that religion plays if everybody becomes atheist or has no belief system. Maybe that's a problem for society because you cut out all of these cultural illusions illusions not illusions that serve to protect people mentally and to. Structure the way they think about society and their lives. Um, if you if you remove that I'm not saying there couldn't be a society that was constructed around gay bath houses. There could be with just sex everywhere I mean some some um descriptions of of Ancient Rome ancient Greece have that in them. Although I'm skeptical that that's actually what everyday life could have been like just lots and lots of gay sex but our society isn't built that way. Our society is built on sort of this dichotomy between men and women as regards this and I think it's sort of useful. Um, you know. I mean maybe yeah and and look frankly like it's a little bit like the anal sex thing like it's not that great for men to be exposed a lot to women pooping maybe women's periods. These are things that maybe don't contribute a lot to men men's lives and and also like I frankly like ah shopping trips to the mall perfume.
[37:24] Mike: Ads perfume soaps things that men yeah things that were men it just diminishes how men men think all women are just all kind of fluff and no substance. This is similar to similar kind of thing but it is true. Men are pervy. Let's move on. Sex is too much effort for me to even care anymore I 37 year old female just don't care about sex anymore. It has always taken forever to orgasm even my own like 45 minutes with a vibrator I got shit to do I don't have time to maybe maybe get off that maybe is important. Like my hands and arms cramp up from the effort. It's just not worth it. It's frustrating to hear about women who have multiples and I can barely sneak out none -assed orgasm lately I haven't wanted to have sex with my partner because that's what's the point if only he gets off bless him. He does everything I ask for will go down on me until his hands and arms are cramped. Like what's the point now this guy maybe should try the kivin technique which we talked about last episode in the episode before it's an oral sex technique if you weren't listening or you can go back and listen I'm so tired of thinking. Oh maybe next time or it's okay, it still feels good. Oh that's brutal. It's okay, it still feels good. That's fine once or twice a man if it's every time it's brutal I want to be into it. Ah, but the outcome is just so disappointing I'm tired of feeling this way and I just want to give up altogether sex is pointless any advice and then of course break up with him. It's the advice now. There's other advice here. But ah yeah I mean this is good. Somebody's saying well you know what's the point if only he gets off. Maybe maybe he shouldn't get off either so you can give him blue balls all the time at least he would be more motivated to to solve it I mean there's so there are various advices that could be given here like talking to a doctor seeing if there's some like concrete thing that could be resolved some concrete like medical. Problem but I actually think this is I included this question because I think there's an element of truth here for many many women I know it's not true for jane and jane is listening and I know you're probably masturbating right now and going to have an orgasm soon. So enjoy that orgasm. But for many many women they're in this camp I think jane actually mentioned to me when we weren't recording that she had a friend who was in this camp or some camp like this of having difficulty enjoying it or something and I think that's really common right? So you have this thing where the guy gets to do this activity. That's a straight line. You know he's going to get an erection. He's going to caress breasts. He's going to get a blow for a while piv and then he's going to bust a nut and feel really great for a debatable amount of time. Let's call it 10 to 15 seconds and then have some sort of like nice relaxation. Afterward.
[40:11] Mike: And the woman is going to have like some sort of random experience. Everything from something like the male experience to just like kind of being bored and feeling taken advantage of and then something in the middle where it's like oh well at least he's enjoying it something higher up the middle like oh you know this feels good I'm enjoying it but I'm not like it's not going to get me there. Um. And yeah, it's kind of lame to have that be the case and a lot of times for women it takes longer and it's actually like difficult to do it difficult to come based on your mental stay based on the time of the month hormones. Whatever and I mean you can see how that would make your interest be lower make it be not something that's like this big. Goal this big Target and I think that lies behind some of the sex difference I mean which is ah so there's here you have like a rational reason for there to be a sex difference. Um in terms of interest and so forth. Um, rational being not just sort of hormonal biological. A biological reason would be just. Makes sense evolutionarily for men to be more interested in sex because we can have hundreds of children in principle. Maybe even none if you're well placed in a monarch in the middle ages. But I letting my imagination run wild there but ah for a woman I mean. If you get pregnant. That's it. You're caring for that one kid and so there's not much advantage to having a really high sex drive. In fact, for a woman like it makes more sense to have a high sex drive at the beginning of relationship and have it go down later because it doesn't matter anymore and that's what you see a lot of times in relationships. So maybe that's what's going on. Um. She didn't get that many answers my answers you know she probably needs to like see if there's some hormonal thing but she may just be screwed so not a great answer. Let's move on here's a rant rant I'm so. Fucking tired of being sexually harassed every time I go outside in the summer what's wrong with you men. This is actually how I feel too if I go outside like let's say I'm just wording my my speedo outside with my muscles bulging. You can also see sort of the. But the you know what? the what the speedo is hiding in there bulging my sort of finely toned buttock muscles. And yeah I mean ah um I will get attention I will get attention when I walk around in espedo and nothing else through the city. The summer on a hot afternoon. Um, and it's annoying I think people should just ignore me and treat me like I'm not there. Um, because yeah I mean it's pretty caught I mean whatever like it's just a human body. But anyway, let's this is a woman not a man. So but I understand I understand indirect what's happening here.
[43:02] Mike: Is wrong with men so she doesn't get looked up by women which makes sense why can't I even show the slightest amount of skin without getting leered at cat called or fucking followed down the street I I feel you girl I'm not wearing shorts for your viewing pleasure you fucking creep I'm wearing shorts because it's summertime in New York city and I don't want to die of heatstroke. Leave me the fuck alone Jesus Christ um then someone gave an answer that's supposed to be like this is great. It's supposed to be sort of a you know you go girl but it actually kind of turns me on which is ironic on 2 levels I think the none level and my favorite being the like. Now she has a comment that's supposed to be just totally platonic or whatever not porny and here I am a guy getting turned on by it which is like the same complaint but it's about text not shorts. She says I hear you I get this every time I wear a dress and this is the part that I liked for some reason men think dresses equals easy access. Lift skirt and bend over and then she says I'm so sick of it I pretty much only wear jeans now which is like not jeans don't solve the problem I think if she wants to solve the problem she she she wants sweats sweats on a woman will it's a real it'll. It'll eliminate some erections um in her vicinity. She'll cancel them anyway. Ah yeah, so okay so yeah a man would have the same experience in a speedo but I understand I understand I'm not an idiot I get the point of this complaint. Um, and it's right I mean basically this is another thing that I think. Changes women's experience with sex from a very young age they suddenly get stared at followed paid attention to um and it's not exactly yet. It's not for their brains or whatever. It's just purely somebody wants to impregnate them. It's very animalistic and. Can see how that doesn't feel great and it's kind of annoying another person says because men think the entire world revolves around their dicks. It's disgusting but it's true. It's not actually right? Um, it's not It's not that it's um, it's not that the world revolves around our dicks. Um, although it does ah but it's ah. It's that this is our lowest level biological programming. Um, if if a man had a bear chasing him. He'd be afraid and run away or whatever. He'd do his heart rate would go up. He would feel fear and if he sees a hot woman who. He'd like to impregnate impregnate. He watches her. It's really hard. Not to now you could say oh that's you know you need to overcome that. That's just biology or you know that's weakness. That's true that's true I mean people should strive to be better, but um, most people can't so.
[45:51] Mike: You know expecting it's like the ah question about you know how do I make my boyfriend stop asking for anal like you can't change other people in the aggregate you can change a few but it's not going to work beyond a pretty narrow set and so men are simply going to look and and there's not I mean there are some advantages. That um, but that's that's sort of where you are let's move on is this really the reality for women I've 21 female started dating again and picked up a few sexual partners who are all men every time we have sex after they finished it seems to be the end of it I hear you? that's yeah, okay. Not once have they asked if I was finished and that seems to be the norm for me these days. Ah okay I'll finish I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for head well because it should work both ways. It's starting to make me discouraged from having sexual relationships with me overall as I am bisexual. But. That's just last sentence iss confusing. It's like well just have so relationships with women women and you won't have this issue. Okay, so um, if you've finished if he's finished. He probably doesn't want to give you a world depends on where he finished but there's like that sort of issue of like the semen leaking out eating cream pie so on and so forth like he's probably not into that. Um, he doesn't ask None reason he might not ask you if you finished is because ah girls women sorry don't like being asked that and for a very good reason because they feel it's pushy. It's implying like the woman has to like. Like did you finish? did you come right? It's like it's like kind of a pushy thing to do and so men actually are like and relatively unlikely to ask that because or you know as men gain experience because it's like irritating to be asked that and so you know in this case like you want to know you want him to ask for a different reason so he can sort of finish the job. But. Um, it's it's sort of tricky now. Obviously the right solution here is to have a conversation about it and um to went went in a nonsexual setting and just to ask him to get you off none before he gets off um and that's it's a good look. This is something young men have to learn. Um I guess young women too like. The woman needs to know that the man needs she needs to get off none typically there's a book I think called she comes none. That's like the point or that's not the entire point of the book. But that's like why it's called that. Um and for men. Ah let's see men need to know that women need to know that too. They need to know that the guy's going to go into sort of post postnut clarity and. Refractory mode and not really want to do it and also there's the issue of where the semen went and even if she it's in her mouth's in her mouth and he's going to be reluctant to kiss her if it's in a condom that means her vagina has condom smell in it, Etc, etc, etc. It's like a problem and so this can be resolved now. Of course one of the answers because this is women's day here on your mileage may vary.
[48:43] Mike: Um, this person said she has the same experience and now she's celibate. She's decided that instead of having a conversation with people. She just would stop having sex. Um, which may give you some insight into the relative importance of the stuff in her life I'm not sure. Um yes, women need to deal with this and it is the reality. This is the reality of being a woman is you need to orgasm before the man man or it's going to be sort of uncomfortable. Okay, this next question actually relates to I should have put it right after the one about the woman in the shorts and me and the Speedo. It's a woman saying. Not being a conventionally attractive woman is hard so she's not conventionally Attractive. She says for the record I 24 female Love myself my size. She's probably large my overall appearance and have a great self-esteem I'm not here to seek validation nor equate my outward appearance to my value as an individual. However. It's hard to deny that conventionally attractive women get treated better. Generally I have conventionally attractive friends who make me feel beautiful regardless that clearly get different treatment than me based on our looks I will be out and about with them and yet not be addressed as often or even at all I was at a bar with a couple of friends when a group of men approached them. Oh This is brutal. Already know it's going to be brutal I came they came to our table drinks in hand and my friends introduced me to these men. They took one look at me to not introduce themselves to me look in my direction or even acknowledge me for the remainder of the time they were there with us. Luckily my friends caught onto this and we removed ourselves from their presence I've had people comment that women of my age shouldn't be at my weight. And been told it's not ladylike to have my body shape, etc, etc. Um, she has an anxiety disorder that makes her have some skin issues. She has little dating experience, etc, etc. So The thing I think is interesting about this Unfortunately I think someone in this situation. She's in trouble. She's in trouble like there isn't a really a good solution. This reminds me of a statistic I saw about men and height and I'm trying to remember the the predicate of it The predicate I mean the basic idea was it sucks being Shorter. Of course I Also read that shorter men live longer than taller men which is interesting. Um. But yeah I mean there, there's basically like the height preference is vicious. The height preference from women is vicious. Also I mean I'm sure look obviously the preference for more successful. Financially men is pretty vicious So This is a little like that. Although the financial one you could fix the height when you can't so I understand that I may. Normal height person. So I don't have I'm in that perfect sweet spot where I'm not going to die early because of my height but I'm tall enough to be normally attractive to women so like None um the ah.
[51:29] Mike: But this is yeah this is basically like the other side of the woman complaining about going out in shorts and getting leered out and cat called. You can't have it both ways. Um, what women want of course is for men not to care about their appearance women mostly don't care about men's appearances height being an exception. And the other exception being like the the Chad cock carousel thing which I will brief brief brief we recount which is that a very small percentage of men on tinder get almost all the likes or upvotes from women maybe None of the men and so those men are having sex with way way way more women than other people. So if you are a normal looking man. There's this set of men that are kind of golden children who have sex with way more people than you. Um, for women that's not as much the case, there's a much broader segment who are considered conventionally attractive maybe 50% maybe 30% maybe even more than 50% but it is true that there remains this set that are not and so it's kind of a damned if you are damned if you aren't. Damned if you do damned if you don't situation for women either. You get leered at cat called and so forth on the one hand or you have this where you kind of get ignored and there isn't really a good solution to it I mean there are things you can do in terms of losing weight and so forth which which would help. Um. But unfortunately or the reality is men do care a lot about appearance obviously. And yeah, there's not a whole lot There's not a whole lot. You can do um one of the people answers says sometimes I think about all the drop dead. Gorgeous successful celebrity women who still get cheated on and remind myself that beauty doesn't mean happiness. And dating a lot of men isn't better than dating a few good men that's sort of true but the reality is that a person who has I mean there's certain traits that are important that are are valued by the opposite gender and if you rate low on those traits. It's going to be hard for you to expect. To find a partner who rates high on the traits that would go their direction. Um, so that's sort of a challenging thing in terms of the celebrities who get cheated on. Um that's because and I assume it's largely going to be women who get cheated on by men that's because the male. Celebrities um have an insane amount of cachet and they are men after all and so they're yeah I mean I think the working assumption should be that they're just having sex with lots of people all the time It's very hard I mean it would just I don't actually ah honestly understand why above a certain net worth or a certain level celebrity men even bother. Ah, having normal relationship relationships. Maybe they get lonely. Ah, they want to have but it seems like a combination of friends and then just sex partners might work better. Maybe there's some kind of relationship that women could tolerate with such a celebrity that's like you have kids with them. You have a family but you just.
[54:18] Mike: Yeah I mean I guess like polyamorous or something where they he basically accept that the guy's going to use his celebrity status to have sex with a lot of women. But then there'll be jealousy issues. It's tricky anyway, this is the other side of that. It's very I mean maybe the ideal thing would be to be the most medium woman so you don't get cat called. It's probably right? Actually, you don't get cat called when you're going out in New York but you still get picked up at bars that may be the ideal sort of area. Even then though, you're probably somewhat conventionally attractive anyway, well, you certainly are actually you might be reasonably conventionally attractive. Let's do another one. My boyfriend fingered me and got angry and the importance of communication. Here's a short story about something that happened the other day and I thought it would be useful for those who ask if they should speak to their partner about something. The answer is almost always yes, that's true. My boyfriend 37 and I female 26 have been together for a while we have a very active sex life. It's amazing. Basically we're almost always horny. Probably a new relationship anyway, the other day we were watching a movie and halfway through I asked if he would just slowly finger me this sounds like Jane actually more of a relaxed thing than horny. He told me to go upstairs and get the glass still though honey go upstairs and get the glass still though it probably doubles as a crack pipe sorry I was. Channeling Hunter bite in there so there I was getting slowly pleasured and I could tell something was up I asked if he was okay and he explained it a bit of a cold voice I'm not horny I immediately got self-conscious. It felt awful like I'd used him and that he was mad at me. We we stopped and he said he doesn't like the movie I don't like it anymore. Ah I didn't either. So we go to bed and I'm freaking out I feel awful about what I did to him and I felt angry and ashamed etc. All these thoughts running through my head while we're in bed playing wordrtle. Okay, ah he isn't talking Mitch much. So then she asks him about it and he responds what no I wasn't horny but that doesn't mean I don't didn't want to do that for you I was enjoying fucking you with the dildo I was I was just mad that the film was so shit I always enjoyed pleasuring you it sounds right? Um, this is sort of so what's going on here I I would interpret this to be ah that the woman. Is used to the man being super into it and he was behaving the way a woman does when she's not as into it and that was difficult for her to deal with because she's like what you're not always like just super up and ready. Sort of a learning experience for a woman I'm not I mean sort of the communication thing is right? But I think there's actually like a deeper level here around that. Um, yeah I mean if you if you want to be pleasured by the guy at a time when he's sort of not into it that will happen I mean they're not always and I mean the obvious way to do that is to have him come none and then.
[57:03] Mike: Ask him to masturbate you something. We've treated we dealt with a lot on the the show. But um.
[57:13] Mike: And so that's like a well understood situation where the guy. Yeah, he's just done ah, and yeah, this is really pretty common in that regard and it it reminds me of that. Um, but yeah, it's interesting in that here. It here's a well There's the role. The role reversals interesting right. The answerers to this question didn't see it that way that's the way I see it. Okay, let me do another one advice needed for giving a bj please I love being sexual and want to do anything I can to please my partner who loves getting Bjs. The problem is I have a very sensitive gag reflex and I struggle to wrap my mouth around him without gagging. Sounds like a guy wrote it because only a guy would say wrap my mouth around him anyway and I definitely can't go as deep as a lot of the porn stars seem to be able to what are some practical things I can do to make giving a bj more tolerable for me and more enjoyable for him. Yeah I mean you can practice with like an object um a banana Whatever. Not a banana get like some sort of dildo. It's like the common advice for this a problem I've actually tried that by the way I tried taking like a vibrating dildo or something and seeing what it was like or maybe yeah I think that's right and it was uncomfortable I think it was more uncomfortable than. Actually a guy's penis would be well maybe that's wrong I was going to say it's more uncomfortable because it was so like unlubricated um, which is an interesting point like you don't as a man getting a blow you probably wouldn't think much about lubrication but probably more important than you would ordinarily think. But I think generally things that are made of rubber I didn't put a condom on I mean look I didn't you know, spend all day doing this. It was this lasted like a minute I was just sort of curious. Um, it was made of rubber. It was it was sort of like flexible rubber which means that it had some pores in it. So like the saliva that whatever saliva I put on it didn't. From naturally putting it. My mouth didn't like ah it got absorbed and didn't lubricate it much if it was sort of hard plastic or glass then that would not have been the case. Um, which would be more like a penis. So penis is probably easier to lubricate. But in general it? Yeah I mean it. It was dry and rough. Like the sand on tattooing. Um, no, but it it. Ah it ah wasn't comfortable but I could see how it would be useful. It's in a non-judgmental atmosphere where there's no pressure on you. That's the right thing to do you just basically try it out. Um. None more question. How do you initiate morning sex. How do you initiate morning sex with a man with a man so you're a woman you're initiating with a man told you these questions are all for women today mansplaining we are often already naked and cuddling and kiss.
[01:00:01] Mike: Don't know how to initiate without just moving my hands to his crotch area which often feels a bit wrong and if we're tired normally strong kissings enough. We don't often want to do that in the morning sure or doesn't lead to anything. It's easier for men boobs are an in-between which can be seen as cuddling or progress things depending on the outcome I don't actually agree with that. Boobs are an in-between thing I think women know if you go after their breasts that you're trying to initiate sex like it's not There's no like um illusion there. Ah I think that um as a woman I think you probably make a lot of. A lot of mileage out of just starting to masturbate. Ah, you might be reluctant to do that as a guy you would get much less mileage out of that much less. It's possible that would be okay as a guy. It's also possible would be extremely unwanted but it's certainly a thing you could try as a man as a woman I think it would typically be wanted and not. Bothersome and also it limits his necessary expectation of how much he has to do in the situation. Although maybe you know you want him to be involved fine. Um yeah I mean I think ah yeah, like mostly what this is about is avoiding rejection. Right? Like the concern that. For example, if you just like go down and start blowing him like he might reject you and that's embarrassing. Um, so yeah, masturbation gives you a different out which is you can be like okay then I'll just do it myself right? It's not as rejective if you have a thing you can do that doesn't involve him. It's like a completely reasonable. Response to his reaction. Um women also have the advantage that like in a normal relationship where the woman is not extraordinarily sexually motivated all the time. So in typical relationships like it's going to be easier for the woman to initiate if a man does this. Yeah I would just guess that if you had a typical relationship if the woman did it. Um, if you just took a set of a none relationships and the woman did it once the guy would be receptive more than 90% of the time if the man did it once. It's probably like if it's a longer term relationship. It's probably 30% or something. The time that the woman would be receptive maybe 60 but it's not 90 whereas it would be so the so the woman's not taking much risk there. But anyway I think that ah some kind of masturbation thing is the safest thing because then there's not really, um, there's there's an easy way to back down and there's less pressure being put on the guy and so yeah, it's a less embarrassing rejection. Although you do then have to masturbate in front of him which may or may not bother. You. Okay, that's enough for episode None of your mileage may vary. Um, thank you for listening all the way to the end you can rate and review the show on all the podcast apps.
[01:02:51] Mike: Send us questions or comments at y m vpod at http://gmail.com or tweet us at wyme m vpod hopefully keith will be back next week so we'll have a more traditional show and until then thanks for listening.

YMMVYour Mileage May Vary

Episode 75: Mike Mansplains, Low Effort Men, Conventional Attractiveness, Fingering

Episode Transcript